“Stars, hide your fires; Let not light see my black and deep desires.” -William Shakespeare-
Me writing music, I’m still trying to get used to the idea. I’ve never before seen myself as a musician. Singer maybe yes, but not a musician. In my opinion a musician needs to be emotionally available and open, willing to share the most fragile thoughts of oneself, at least in some sense. I on the other hand am very private and reserved, tho fully capable of showing of a very outgoing side of myself too. A dear friend of mine once told me that it’s really hard to get to the bottom with who and what I really am. I remember being almost stunned by the idea, by then we had known each other for nearly 20 years, so I couldn’t believe that he felt like there was stuff about me he didn’t know. Adding to that, that I’ve always thought of myself as a really see-through person finding it really hard to hide my emotions from my face, one can see where my amazement came from. But as I started thinking about it I found that excluding my closest family members I really didn’t like for people to know what I was thinking. My main thought here was that the less they know about me, the less they can hurt me.
This became something of an obstacle for me to overcome when I started to write music. First I was indescribably scared that someone would see or hear who I was from what I’d written. After all I wrote out of my life, my lies, my experiences, my feelings, my thoughts. It was so hard to show people what I had written, that not even to the closest of friends could I do it with out almost breaking down into tears. If somebody wouldn’t critique it instantly I would feel like I’d die out of shame. Why did I think that way? Why did I show them that? My playing was so bad…etc. etc.
It wasn’t until somebody gently reminded me that my feelings or thoughts wouldn’t be any less my feelings or thoughts if I didn’t talk about them. I didn’t have to talk about them of course, but if something is, you can’t unmake it by not talking about it. Others might not know, but what does it really matter if anyone else knows or doesn’t know, if you yourself still do? It is after all you who have to live with your own thoughts, others can just walk away, but you’re the one stuck with yourself. For as long as you live. If you can’t deal with you, you’re the one who’s fucked, no-one else. I was so concerned about how I would be received if somebody found out who I really was, that when I finally wanted to show someone a little piece of me, I had to almost throw up or break down before I could do it. How curious isn’t that.
Anyway. This reflected in my way to write lyrics as well. I wrote and re-wrote several verses and choruses for my three songs, multiple times until I was finally ok with them. I couldn’t deal with them if they were being too straight forward. This is also why I feel that a visual world is so important for Svartna. What I can’t tell you in words, I will try and show you in other ways.